Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Black Family Inside!

2007-03-07 05:43:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A black lady gets on a bus with her baby and puts the bus fee in the cup. The bus driver looks at the lady and says "that is the ugliest baby I have evr seen!"

The black lady gets mad and storms to the back of the bus and sits down. She then tells the man beside her "the bus driver just insulted me and I am very offended!"

The man replies "you should'nt take that, go give him a piece of your mind!"

The black lady says "you know, I think I will"

The man says "you go give him a piece of your mind, I'll hold your monkey."

2007-03-07 05:40:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men placed their orders at a restaurant. The waiter asked what they would like to drink. The first man ordered a glass of milk. The second man said, "I'll have milk also and make sure the glass is clean."
A few minutes later the waiter returned with two glasses of milk on a tray. The waiter said,"Now, which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

2007-03-07 05:35:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Anonymous

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English;
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
1 After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine In pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how come! Mom isn't Mop?

GO FIGURE! That's American English.

unlike Sanskrit english made its own rules of pronounciation & Grammar in a different way based on the words derivated from

example CH is pronounced as ka wen the word is derived from greek example
character = karakter
CH is pronounced as sha wen the word is from french
ex champagne,chateau

similarly with singulars & plurals.

2007-03-07 05:34:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-07 05:31:29 · 16 answers · asked by soulfullofdarkness 1

it's a riddle haha....joke enjoy

2007-03-07 05:29:31 · 3 answers · asked by soulfullofdarkness 1

Batman can go into town without Robin!

2007-03-07 05:18:19 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

2007-03-07 05:17:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Now that I've caught you attention, I need answers because this is urgent.
I'm memorizing history lessons. I usually walk when memorizing but I want to memorize faster. So should I memorize when walking or sitting? Please don't tell me that it depends on me and answer my question.
By the way, I memorize every single word in the lesson.

2007-03-07 05:14:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

2007-03-07 05:14:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-07 05:12:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

without the help of a third person?

2007-03-07 05:07:11 · 5 answers · asked by ZAID THE ZAID 1

a man and woman walk into a bar. the bar tender says he gonna kill them. so he puts poisen in both there drinks. the woman died. the man didnt. why?

2007-03-07 05:04:06 · 9 answers · asked by Rachel R 1

2007-03-07 05:00:50 · 21 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty
things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, which keeps coming back.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

Finally, I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!

2007-03-07 05:00:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

2007-03-07 04:58:26 · 22 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Why do old men living at retirement centers take viagra at bedtime?

So they won't roll out of bed during the night!

2007-03-07 04:58:19 · 6 answers · asked by Lori 4

What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in?

2007-03-07 04:54:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I get this joke but all my friends don't get it.
Two men are driving in a car then they die.
They go to hell. When they get in hell they are cheering because they are happy. The devil says why are you happy? You are suppose to be sad. So one of the guys says. It was cold up there, so now we are happy because we are warm.So the devil turns the heat down all the way so it is snowing in hell. So the devil walks back over to the guys and they are still cheering. Why are you still cheering?, says the devil. First you cheer because you were warm but now its snowing and your still cheering. So one of the guys reply The Browns just won the Super Bowl.
If you get it and are the first one to answer it right I'll pick YA!!!!!!!

2007-03-07 04:37:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell, Miss Susie went to heaven, the steamboat went to hell-o operator give me #9, and if you disconnect me, I'll get you from behind the figerator, there was a piece of glass, Miss Susie sat upon it and cut her big fat a$$-k me no more questions tell me no more lies......WHATS THE REST??

The only people who prob. now it is if you were born before 1987 maybe a little later. Just curious...

2007-03-07 04:20:11 · 22 answers · asked by ladyP 3

man says to wife your as* is the size of a 3 burner barbecue!
later in bed man says, do you fancy abit?
wife says no fuc*in point lighten a barbecue for half a sausage

2007-03-07 04:14:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whoever gets the most right (or gets some wrong but makes me laugh) wins.

1) My voice is tender, my waist is slender and I'm often invited to play. Yet wherever I go I must take my bow or else I have nothing to say. What am I?

2) What English word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS

3) I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I?

4) Other than being colors, what do the words orange, silver and purple have in common?

2007-03-07 04:08:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is you fav Bob Marley Song?

2007-03-07 04:00:58 · 12 answers · asked by Joey B. 3

what is this?

2007-03-07 03:56:51 · 21 answers · asked by notazn 2

GIUSEPPE, A YOUNG ITALIAN IMMIGRANT WROTE A LETTER TO HIS MOTHER IN ITALY:

Mama,
I'a meta nicea Americana girla anda I'a wanta toa marry hera.
Yora Sona Giuseppe

HIS MOTHER FIRED A LETTER BACK:

Deara Giuseppe,
I'a begga youa sona.....Noa marrya Americana girla. Americana girlas noa canna cooka, are a lousy ina beda; and whena youa hava yora firsta fight, she'sa gonna calla youa guinea!!!!!

Lovea,
MAMA

A COUPLE OF MONTHS LATER, GIUSEPPE SENDS A LETTER BACK:

Mama,
Pleasea noa thinka mea disrespectful Mama, buta I'a noa taka yora advice anda I'a marriea nicea Americana girla.
Buta noa worry Mama, shesa greata cooka, incredible ina beda and shea promise to noa calla mea guinea, so longa as I'a noa calla hera blacka.

Lovea,
Giuseppe

2007-03-07 03:56:31 · 6 answers · asked by Lemmers 2

Here are the facts:
1. There are five houses.
2. The Englishman lives in the red house.
3. Milk is drunk in the middle house.
4. The Spaniard owns a dog.
5. The Japanese smokes Parliament.
6. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
7. Kools are smoked in the house next to where the horse is kept.
8. The man who smokes Chesterfield lives next door to where the fox is kept.
9. The man who smokes Old Gold owns snails.
10. The man who smokes Lucky Strike drinks orange juice.
11. The green house is immediately to the right of the ivory house.
12. Kools are smoked by the man in the yellow house.
13. Coffee is drunk by the man in the yellow house.
14. The Norwegian lives next door to the blue house.
15. The Filipino drinks tea.
16. Each man has a different house, drink, smoke, pet and nationality.

Questions:
1. Who drinks water?
2. Who owns the zebra?

2007-03-07 03:54:21 · 14 answers · asked by Super_Noypi 2

A man and his boy were driving to the park when they were struck by an oncoming vehicle. Unfortunately the man did not survive the accident. When the ambulance arrived at the hospitl with the boy in critical condition the doctor rushed in, took one look at the boy and says " i can not operate on this child...he is my son" How is this possible?

2007-03-07 03:47:45 · 13 answers · asked by tiffkraft 1

What has 18 toenails, only 1 foot, three teeth and has pink skin, but when you kick it it yells at you and does the rockaway.

2007-03-07 03:44:31 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have no eyes ,
but i still cry,
i have no wings,
but i can fly.
ANY ONE KNOW?

2007-03-07 03:44:18 · 7 answers · asked by patsy 3

A Spanish a English and a french die and go to hell

The devil say to them

If you can put me something in my hand that i cant melt i will let you go to heaven...

The spanish puts a huge piece of spanish steel in the devils hand and the devil instatntly desapear with it.
The french puts a huge diamond and the devil... puff diamond gonne
The english puts a small thing in the devils hand and after a lot of tries the devil simply gave up...

So the devil asks
-What did you put on my hand?



Do you know????










M n M's melts in your mouth not in your hand

2007-03-07 03:39:35 · 13 answers · asked by pervertidamente 2