Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

2007-01-05 11:47:53 · 22 answers · asked by Curious 2

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mister, taste this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It is. How old am I?"

2007-01-05 11:46:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-05 11:46:26 · 21 answers · asked by spackler 6

Ans: The prick is inside the Ferrari.

2007-01-05 11:46:02 · 4 answers · asked by Dream_Catcher 4

2007-01-05 11:42:49 · 6 answers · asked by spackler 6

George Bush is skating on a frozen pond when the ice cracks and he falls in. Luckily three little boys are on hand to pull him out. "You've saved my life," says George. "How can I repay you?"
"I'd like a toy car," says one boy.
"I'd like a toy plane," says another boy.
"I'd like a motorised wheelchair," says the third boy.
"Why do you want a wheelchair?" asks George. "You look very healthy to me."
"I am," says the little boy. "But I'm going to need one when my dad discovers I saved George Bush."

2007-01-05 11:40:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Artery The study of paintings.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark.
D&C Where Washington is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Darn near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Near by.



<- more jokes

2007-01-05 11:39:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anyone with some good ones post

2007-01-05 11:37:53 · 8 answers · asked by eric 1

I just replied to someones question and just thought I'd share it. Has anyone ever done this before???

It's long... but just just read it.

This prank is unbeatable!

This is what you need:

1 plate

1 lit candle

1 pitch dark bathroom.

Preparation:

Light the candle and start moving it all around the bottom of the plate. What this does is causes a soot type film underneath the plate. Make sure that you don't do the edges so that people don't see you fingers getting dark from the plate otherwise they may be suspisious. Just remember... the darker the better this soot is going to be all over your friends faces!!! Set the plate aside in the kitchen where nobody can see it.

You then ask your friends if they want to see if they are ever going to get together with the person they have a crush on during a get together or party at your house or a friends house (usually 6 people). If they say yes, this is the next step.

Tell them that you learned of a way to do this by using a regular plate. If they're into it, start heading them into the bathroom. At this point start turning off the lights so that people won't get suspicious of the plate if they actually see the top of it. (Just remember to keep the plate faced up so that they don't see any part of the bottom.

Next with the lights dim/off, get the plate and head into the pitch dark bathroom.

When you all are in there, have them gather around you so that they understand what they need to do. Everything is predicated on using each index finger on both hands and starting from the middle of the plate and working the fingers towards them (Of course they are doing this from underneath the plate).

If they want their future boyfriend/girlfriend to have round eyes... tell them to make circles around their eyes.

If they want them to have more slanted eyes... tell them to make lines underneath their eyes kinda like a football players face pain.

Next

If they want them to have nice thin noses... make them make lines down the side of their noses.

If they want thicker noses... make them do a more rounded shape along the bridge of their noses.

Next

If they want nice full lips... make them use their fingers to draw a big circle around their lips.

If they want regular lips... just make them draw lines above the lip and below the bottom lip.

After all this is done, have everybody gather in front of the mirror and imagine it is that they want to be together with. If they end up seeing them, then their vision will come true. If not... then they won't end up with that person.

As they are thinking of the person really hard tell them that you are going to count to five seconds and at that point you are going to turn on the light.

Five... Four... Three... Two... One....

At the same time you turn on the lights have them open their eyes. What they will see in the mirror are their faces covered in black soot looking like clowns!

I hope it works... and let me know how it goes!!!

2007-01-05 11:27:03 · 7 answers · asked by Cito 3

I made thirty cents out of two coins when one isn't a nickle. How did I do it?

2007-01-05 11:26:37 · 15 answers · asked by IamBatman 4

2007-01-05 11:24:02 · 5 answers · asked by 6th Finger 2

A boy asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically.Dad says i know how you canfind out, go ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for £1 million, his mum says yes she would, he then says ask your sister if she would sleep with the coalman for £2 million, she also says yes. The dad says thats your answer, theoretically were sitting on £3 million but realistically were living with a couple of slags....Now thats funny.

2007-01-05 11:21:07 · 13 answers · asked by Loo 4

Hi
I would just like to know what on British Tv gave you a "real" laugh in the last few years(not just a giggle).......
mines is Trigger off of Only Fools and Horse ,and Billy Connolly

2007-01-05 11:19:58 · 11 answers · asked by johnstone4192 2

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

2007-01-05 11:16:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

he says hes got the magic stick

2007-01-05 11:08:27 · 6 answers · asked by wildguy!!!!!!1 1

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-01-05 11:06:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I get ever so BORED in church but i have to go ... can u give me of tips i can do to make it fun: eg: pretend the sky colapses or something some stupid but intreaging mind tricky things please i need help !!!

2007-01-05 11:05:53 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

2007-01-05 11:05:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

2007-01-05 11:03:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three houses one is red ,one is blue and one is white. If
the red house is at the left of the house in the middle and the blue
house is to the right to the house in the middle, Where is the white
house?

2007-01-05 11:02:40 · 9 answers · asked by DT 2

Three soldiers walk into a motel. The clerk behind the counter says it is $30 for a room. Each soldier hands over $10. When the bellboy comes back down to the desk, the clerk realizes that the soldiers were not given their military discount. He hands over 5 singles to the bellboy and instructs him to go to the soldiers and hand the 5 singles to them. As the bellboy is returning back to the room, he realizes that you can not divide $5 between 3 people. He looks around and stuffs $2 inside his pocket, when he know that nobody is around. He knocks on the door and hands one of the soldiers $3 and tells them it is their military discount. Now for the riddle: Since they originally paid $10 per person, and just received $1 back, each, that means that they paid $9. If you multiply $9 x 3, the answer is $27, than add the $2 the bellboy stuffed in his pocket. The total is $29 exactly. Where is the missing $1 when we started off with $30? Good luck to everyone!

2007-01-05 11:00:55 · 8 answers · asked by nyicecreamking 2

When it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharamacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

2007-01-05 10:53:23 · 15 answers · asked by All I have to do is dream... 4

1HOW MANY BIRTHDAYS DOES THE AVERAGE PERSON HAVE?

2if i had 5 apples and i took 3 how much would i have?

what colours are trees?

what word do you always spell incorrectly?

whats bright and comes out a night?(2 answers)

2007-01-05 10:53:13 · 10 answers · asked by lil miss mystery 2

3 guys go to a hotel. The hotel room cost $30. They each pay $10 and share one room. After the 3 men left the front desk, the manager just remembered that today is the special and the room is actually $25. So the manager gives $5 to the Bellboy to return to the 3 men.
As the Bellboy was walking to the room he realized that the 3 men cannot evenly split $5 without change. So he gave the men $3 and HE pocketed $2. So now the 3 men each received $1 back each. So in other words they paid $9 each for the room.

$9 x 3 (the 3 men) = $27 + $2 (the $2 the bellboy pocketed) = $29


Where is the missing dollar?

2007-01-05 10:52:21 · 6 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

2007-01-05 10:51:49 · 24 answers · asked by Guisel 2

2007-01-05 10:39:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please answer thinking of what you would bring. No weapons, people, or outside communication devices allowed. Also I am looking for answers that don't mention food or firemakers either. Be creative.

2007-01-05 10:35:06 · 12 answers · asked by Jodiontop 3

the first person to get it right gets ten points

2007-01-05 10:34:15 · 27 answers · asked by lil miss mystery 2

Husband says to his wife..I hear you have been telling everyone that i am an idiot. Sorry says the wife...i did not know it was a secret !!!!!

2007-01-05 10:29:43 · 20 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Bubba goes to the psychiatrist, I've got problems,when I go to bed I always think there is someone beneath it , I think I'm going crazy.

Visit me at my practice three visits you'll be cured,

How much do you charge,

One hundred a bucks a visit


Ill sleep on it get back to you

Six months pass Bubba meets Psyciatrist in the street, hey Bubba, why didn't you come back about those fears,

A bit pricey Doc. I met a barman and he cured me for ten dollars

What did he do to you,

Told me to cut the legs off the bed.

2007-01-05 10:28:54 · 8 answers · asked by terrano 4