Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-10 10:52:45 · 6 answers · asked by michael y 1

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of

a deserted road in the Highlands. Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche

911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a woman wearing

a Chanel suit, Ray Bans and a Cartier watch, steps out and asks the

shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"

The shepherd looks at the large flock and says 'Okay'.

The woman connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website,

scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with

logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high

tech mini printer. She studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You

have exactly 1,586 sheep."

The shepherd replies "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."

The woman packs away her equipment, looks at the flock and puts an animal in

the boot of her Porsche.

As she is about to leave the shepherd says "If I can guess your profession

will you return the animal to me?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then agrees.

The shepherd says "You are an NHS manager,"

"Correct," responds the woman, "but how did you know?"

The shepherd replies "Simple, first you came without being invited. Second,

you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew. Third, you

don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - Now

can I have my dog back?"

2007-01-10 10:52:25 · 18 answers · asked by Tink 5

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in
a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton is first placed against the wall and just before
the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!"

The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall
and escapes in the confusion.

Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is
reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done.
Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tornado!"

Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.

The last person, George W Bush, is placed against the wall.

He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a
disaster and hop over the wall."

As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction, he grins and yells, "Fire!"

2007-01-10 10:40:47 · 27 answers · asked by Tink 5

A "Pilot" you racist!

2007-01-10 10:35:29 · 4 answers · asked by John P 6

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
Standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him she asked

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped
us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
Pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

2007-01-10 10:35:06 · 24 answers · asked by Tink 5

mines r:

yo mamma so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone

yo mamma so stupid she though your cherios were doughnut seeds

yo mamma so stupid she returned a doughnut and said it has a hole in it

yo mamma so stupid on the way 2 seaworld it said Seaworld Left So she turned the car around and went home..

ok done =]

2007-01-10 10:27:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

2007-01-10 10:27:03 · 8 answers · asked by Tink 5

one is a low life bottom feeding scum sucker & the other is a fish

2007-01-10 10:20:59 · 10 answers · asked by woody 5

list the things you want from a women or girl as in qualities morals etc etc etc....

2007-01-10 10:19:24 · 7 answers · asked by MissTee 2

What would the five things be.....? come on amuse me and ill give you 10points come on Quatine B your good at these.....he he he

2007-01-10 10:16:29 · 22 answers · asked by MissTee 2

A man returns from his honeymoon and his friend asks him how it went. "Terrible," replies the man, "On the first night I got up to go to the bathroom and without thinking I put a £50 note on her pillow."
"Well, that's not bad," replies the friend. "If she's upset tell her it was a joke."
"SHE wasn't upset," replies the man...I got upset when she gave me £30 change!"
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A man complains to his friend that sex with his wife has become boring.
"Use your imagination," says his friend. "Why not try playing doctor for an hour? That's what I do."
The man replies, "Wow, a whole hour. how do you make it last that long?"
"It's easy, replies the friend. "I just keep her in the waiting room for 56 minutes."
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Mick, Murphy and their wives decide to spice up their sex life by swapping partners. Later that night Mick rolls over in bed and says, "Hey Murphy. What d'you suppose our wives are up to?" :)

2007-01-10 10:06:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said. "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the birds cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "new house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "new house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman`s husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith!"

2007-01-10 10:03:52 · 12 answers · asked by Tink 5

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

2007-01-10 10:03:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 10:02:02 · 10 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

What is greater than God
More evil than the devil
The poor have it
The rich need it
And if you eat it you will die?

2007-01-10 09:54:16 · 14 answers · asked by eppagala 2

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

2007-01-10 09:54:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

husband says to his wife, Oh look they have a new range of condoms, oh yea says the wife ,there are called the Olympic range. Should we try them says the guy, there are the Gold ,the silver and the Bronze ones. Which shall we try? Well says the wife , lets try the Silver ones and then for once you might Come second!

2007-01-10 09:52:47 · 6 answers · asked by peter d 2

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

2007-01-10 09:51:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich lady is riding with her chauffeur when they get a flat tyre. He gets out and starts tryiung to prise off the hubcap. After a few minutes of struggling, the lady leans out of the window and says "Would you like a screwdriver?"
He replies, "We might as well...I can't get this bloody wheel off."
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A tramp knocks on the door of a large house and begs for a meal. "Tell you what," says the householder. "If you go round the back and paint my porch with whitewash I'll give you all the food you can eat." The tramp agrees. He goes round the back, finds a tin of whitewash and a brush, and gets started. Ten minutes later the tramp knocks on the door for his reward.
"That was fast work," says the householder. "I thought it would take hours to paint that huge porch."
"Oh it wasn't so big," replies the tramp. "And by the way, it isn't a Porsche. It's a BMW."

2007-01-10 09:47:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Figure out who bought what and the price at the auction.

Items:

Gold Earrings
Diamond Necklace
Diamond Ring
Emerald Ring
Gold Brooch
Emerald Earings

Clues:

1. Mr. Silver bid only on gold jewerly, he paid less than $2,000.
2. Mrs. Ruby, who went with Ms. Pearl to the auction, bought emeralds.
3. The diamond necklace sold for $3,700. It was highest priced item.
4. Mr. Copper paid the lowest price of all for the gold brooch.
5. Ms. Pearl bought earings
6.. Miss Opal's item cost exactly half as the diamond ring, and iit was not purchased by Mr. Copper.
7. Mr. Topaz is Mrs. rubys cousin.
8. One item cost half as much as the diamond ring, and it was not purchase by Mr. Copper.
9. Mrs. Ruby and her companion each spent more than $2,000. The spent less than $6,000 together.
10. One item cost half as much as the emerald earrings.
11. The total spent by Miss Opal, Ms. Pearl, and Mr. Copper was $7,400.
12. Mr. Topaz spent $1,000 more than his cousin.

2007-01-10 09:46:35 · 5 answers · asked by Hardcore 3

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?



Bingo machine!

2007-01-10 09:40:33 · 6 answers · asked by Tink 5

1) you have 2 coins that equal 30 cents one of them is not a quarter

2) 2 camles are looking difrent directions in the deser thay can see each other there is nothing around them but sand

2007-01-10 09:40:02 · 3 answers · asked by Tekedo 4

When you`re leading a pathetic life?


When a nymphomaniac tells you, "lets be friends."

2007-01-10 09:37:42 · 6 answers · asked by Tink 5

husband and wife in the chemists. Oh look says the husband, a new range of condoms. Yea says the wife The Olympic range, garranteed to give full satisfaction. theres three types says the guy .Gold ,Silver and Bronze. Which one should we try love. Tell you what ,says the wife ,lets try the silver ones, then for once you might come Second

2007-01-10 09:28:42 · 6 answers · asked by peter d 2

well i was doing this pole thing and wondering if you liked Dodge....i like love it ttly awesome...thnx in advance.... ")

2007-01-10 09:27:33 · 2 answers · asked by pink_luver 2

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?




Ask your mother!!!!!!


Oh I`m bad!! ; )

2007-01-10 09:23:29 · 6 answers · asked by Tink 5

beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

2007-01-10 09:21:26 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

his 3am coumn in the mirror yesterday was worse than awful.

2007-01-10 09:21:09 · 13 answers · asked by hogasnog 2

Men are like bike helmets - handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like blenders - you need one, but you're never quite sure why.
Men are like high heels - they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like horoscopes - they always tell you what to do and they are always wrong.
Men are like lawnmowers - hard to get started, they emit noxious odours and half the time they don't work.
Men are like mascara - they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like mini-skirts - if you're not careful, they'll creep up on you.
Men are like parking places - all the good ones are taken.
Men are like popcorn - they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells
Men are like linoleum - lay them once and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Men are like public toilets - all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of cr*p.
:)

2007-01-10 09:18:20 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 09:18:08 · 10 answers · asked by anon4nw 2