Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen." Now type the letter "p" to bring up the
Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a "p".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT" "p" on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "On my key board??!! No I'm not going to do that!"

2006-06-14 02:01:44 · 30 answers · asked by Pd 6

Rate plz?

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ***, didn't it?'''

2006-06-14 01:29:42 · 8 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

A blind man walks into a bar... He says to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a BLOND joke?" The guy sitting next to the blind man says, "Hey, pal. I'm 6'4", a truck driver and I'm blond; the guy at the end of the bar is 6'5" and he's blond; the bartender is 6'3" and he's blond....Are you sure you want to tell your BLOND joke??!!"
The blind man says, "NOT IF I HAVE TO REPEAT THREE TIMES!!!!"
What do you think? Do you like it? Do you have one? Any kind of joke?

2006-06-14 01:25:10 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

give a try.. :)

2006-06-14 01:16:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to a new zoo yesterday

It wasn't very good

In fact all it had was one dog ...............

2006-06-14 01:15:49 · 12 answers · asked by Perkins 4

2006-06-14 01:13:46 · 27 answers · asked by SK 2

Why did a witch fly along the seashore??

2006-06-14 01:11:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a 4 year old child asked "Mommy, how do you make a baby? how did you make me?" The mother tried to answer in a way that will not confuse the child. "My dear, your daddy and I spent the night rolling in the bedsheets and then you came".

The child went away happily, satisfied with the answer. That night, she went to her bed and rolled in the bedsheets for 5 minutes. Standing up, she saw a cockroach creepig out from the bedsheet. then she said "My baby!!!"

2006-06-14 01:04:16 · 10 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

stays hot in the refrigerator??
give it a try.. :)

2006-06-14 01:02:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is my name ??

_ _ n _ / _ n _ r _ _ n _

i will give you 10 points if you know my name correctly ..

2006-06-14 00:43:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

two women friends were on a night out, on the way home they both needed a wee, they stopped in a nearby graveyard out of sight from the road, the first woman said she's got no tissue so she takes off her knickers and wipes herself with them, the second woman wasn't wearing any knickers so she ripped some ribbon from a wreath on one of the headstones, the next day the husbands were at work together and one says do you know where our wives were last night only mine came home without her knickers? the other replies "oh really, well mine came home with a card up her ar*se saying "from all the crew at the fire station, we will not forget you"

2006-06-14 00:41:32 · 36 answers · asked by Kelly 5

A lady walks into a tatto parlor and says "I want
a tattoo of a turkey on the inside of my right
leg, and on the inside of my left leg I want a
tattoo of a Christmas tree"

The guy doing the tattoo goes "Why do you want
tattoos of those things". The lady replies with
"Well because my husband always complains that
there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and
Christmas"

2006-06-14 00:31:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

As you all know, I am only 25 years old and 5 months pregnant. I teach Sunday School at church too. Yesterday we visited one family, so the 2 children met me at the door and they were so excited, invited us in and sat us down. While moving ever so gently and walking ever so slowly, the 4-year old girl went to me and started tickling my tummy saying "Hi baby", "There's a baby inside", "Tickle, tickle, tickle". I said "Why yes darling there is a baby inside".

And then she blurts out "Where's the mommy?"

2006-06-14 00:16:19 · 9 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

Johnny asked his father, "Dad, when birds die, why do their feet always point upwards?"
Well, so that God can reach down, take them by the claws and pull themup into heaven." Next day when Dad got home from work,
Johnny rushed over to him and said, "Gee Dad, we nearly lost Mom today." "What do you mean?" queried his father.
"Well, I heard noises upstairs so I rushed up to see what was happening.There was Mom, lying on the bed with her legs pointing up while she was yelling,' God, I'm coming.
If it hadn't been for the gardener holding her down, we'd have lost her.

2006-06-14 00:15:05 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

had two peas stuck up his nose a carrot in one ear and a piece of steak in the other.he went to the doctor and said"Im not feeling well.."The doctor said:Youre not eating properly"


Did you hear about the old folks home that gives each of their elderly male guests a Viagra before bedtime so they dont roll out of bed!

A heavy guys gets onto the scales at the doctors and says "Am I too fat?"
"No"the doctor says"your weight is fine,but you are 11 feet too short!!"

2006-06-14 00:08:46 · 14 answers · asked by Shea 3

was having an affair.So one day she calls home from workand a strange woman answers"Who is this?"she asks
"Im the maid"
"We dont have a maid"
"I was hired this morning by the man of the house"
"Well this is his wife is he there?"
The maid replied"Hes up stairs in the bedroom with a woman I thought was his wife"
Funing the wife says"How would you like to make $10,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"Go to the desk and get the gun and shoot the jerk and the slut hes with".The maid puts down the phone and after a while the woman hears footsteps and 2 gun shots,then the maid picks up the phone again"What should I do with the bodies?".The woman says"Throw them in the swimming pool"Puzzled the maid asks "What swimming pool?"A long pause and then the wife asks"Is this 555-4821.......?!!!!"

2006-06-14 00:07:08 · 12 answers · asked by Shea 3

a special kind of pet something unsual so she went to the pet shop andspotted a large exotic bird she asked the owner"how much is that bird?"He replied"Only $50""$50!!surely it should be more expensive"
"Well"he said"it should be,but it used to be in a brothel and it can say some pretty vulgar stuff"Delighted that such a rare bird should be so cheap she bought it any way and took it home.She hung the birds cage in her living room the bird looked around and said"New house,new Madam"At first she was a little shocked but then laughed it off.When her daughters came back from school the bird said"New house,new Madam,new tarts!"The girls laughed thiinking it was very funny.Later that night her husband came home and the bird said"New house,new Madam,new tarts..oh hi George..!!!"

2006-06-14 00:04:52 · 8 answers · asked by Shea 3

the skin meets skin,
hair meets hair
n balls disappear..

2006-06-14 00:02:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

wierd creatures,like LIZARDS AND COCKROACHES,?also,mention,in how many attempts?funniest situation gets a 10

i wake my bro up at 3:00 am ....when i spot a wierd creature,thanfully he's quite cruel to them,and he kills them,even from a distance in just one attempt....

2006-06-13 23:42:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-13 23:41:35 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-13 23:34:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a bus with her baby and the driver looks at her and says"Jeez what a goddamned ugly baby!!"
She pays her fare and goes to the back of the bus and starts to cry.The guy next to her says"Are you okay?"
"no"she says"the driver just insulted me!"
"Thats terrible dont let him get a way with it,go give him a piece of your mind,here Iwill hold your monkey for you!!!"

2006-06-13 23:22:27 · 13 answers · asked by Shea 3

This is the code that I have to crack. I am finding it impossible and can't figure out for the life of me what it is. It's an anagram, and there are two hints that go with the puzzle:

1. SIFT YE JERUSALEM ... to find his kin
2. Unscrable to code to find the mystery that still is unknown by the church today.

This is the code: SIFT YE JERUSALEM

If someone knows the answer to this, could you please write a reply? I have tried everything and still can't imagine what it is. I do think the word 'Jesus' is in it though, as it's from a Christian Website about the Da Vinci Code.

2006-06-13 23:20:21 · 17 answers · asked by Grace M 1

around the carpark of a bar bumping into cars and rubbing them on the roofs.The manager comes out and stops him and says"What are you doing?"
"Im looking for my car"the drunk answeres."So how does feeling the roof help?"
"My car has two blue lights and a siren on top!!!"

2006-06-13 23:17:22 · 13 answers · asked by Shea 3

had an affair with an 18 year odl girl.So he went into Confessional and said"Father I have sinned"The preist says"Go a head my son,what is your sin?"The old guys tells the preist all about his adventures,then the preist akss"When was your last confession?"
"Never Father.Im a protestant"
Then the ppreist says"Then why are you telling me about this?"
The guy replies"Oh no,Father Im not just telling you Im telling every body!!"

2006-06-13 23:12:56 · 5 answers · asked by Shea 3

2006-06-13 23:10:47 · 15 answers · asked by wally 2

a priest had a young ****(male hen) and cared very much for it. One day the **** was missing and the priest was very sad. after having searched the **** with no results, he decided to ask others to search it. Next day in sermans, he asked
does any body has the ****?
All males stood up.
No -No, I want to know have any body seen the ****?
All the females stood up.
No-No, does any body seen my ****?
All the nuns stood up

2006-06-13 23:09:45 · 4 answers · asked by Dev 2

with long hair and blue eyes she was so sick of all those blonde jokes that she cut and dyed her her ,she also went out and bought a new convertable.While driving down a country lane she came across a herd of sheep.She stopped and called the herder over"Thats a nice flock of sheep"she says
"Well thank you"he replied
"Tell you what if I can guess how many sheep are in the flock can I keep one?"
"Sure"he said.So she looked at them for a while and said"382"
"Wow"said the herder."Thats exactly right.Go ahead and pick a sheep"The woman picked one out and put it in her car.Watching this the herder came over to her and said"I f I can guess your real hair color can I have my dog back?!"

2006-06-13 23:04:57 · 8 answers · asked by Shea 3

Q.What is white and liable to kill u if it falls from a tree?
A.a fridge
Q.whats blue and liable to kill u if it falls from a tree?
A. a fridge in a denim jacket

2006-06-13 22:59:24 · 8 answers · asked by lerz2000uk 2

2006-06-13 22:55:15 · 18 answers · asked by iamask8tr 2